///Hope For Squares///
Tweets of 2014, Part 1 (Jan 1 - Apr 5)

With my first paycheck of the year I’m finally gonna get that Lisa Frank backplate tattoo of a bunch of unicorns or some shit

I wonder if the kid with Downs Syndrome in that one Garth Brooks music video gets laid for being in a Garth Brooks music video

I WANT TO FEAST ON THA BEAVER

Next time you want to get fisted, borrow mine

"To Skeet or not to Skeet" - Hamlet the Durty Rapper

Foster Brooks stole his act from Charles Bukowski!!!

This month, thousands of aging hipsters are celebrating Stephen MLKmus Day

I’m straight but I don’t pee straight. I pee pretty gay, actually.

Dying, ascending to Heaven and then having to watch a highlight reel of all the times I’ve masturbated is my biggest ever fear.

The one time I dropped acid at Chuck E. Cheese’s and ended up having sex with the 50 hole of the Skee-Ball machine while vomiting up pizza.

KISS THE FIST

MOST OF YOU SHOULD WIN AN ANDY KAUFMAN AWARD BECAUSE WHAT YOU DO IS LITERALLY ANTI-HUMOR

@tylerperry Can I have one of your BET Awards?

I bet Alex Trebek wears FUBU when he’s not taping Jeopardy

I sing “The Way We Were” to my penis every night before I fall asleep

May consider becoming a transgender person. Hell, I already have the boobs!

"D.T. Phone Papa Johns" - D.T. The Extra Terrestrial (he’s not really an alien but when he gets stoned enough, he sure talks like one!)

Also when D.T. is with a girl on her period, he touches her vagina with his magic alien finger and her vagina goes back to normal

BRB GONNA JAZZERCISE MY WAY OUT OF HELL

I’m not gay or anything, but I can totally understand women finding Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard sexy.

What if you turn on NPR and they’re playing Limp Bizkit “Break Stuff”

All I ever wanted was for one of my raunchy jokes to be sampled at the beginning of a 2 Live Crew song

I hope to be surrounded by dearest friends and loved ones on my deathfuton

They should update the video game Donkey Kong to today’s standards, that way instead of barrels, Donkey Kong rolls SOME SICKASS RIMS

I’m proud to announce that so far in 2014 I have yet to see a single ukelele at an LA comedy show!

Decided the best way to lose weight is to commit suicide

My dispensary plays the dumbest movies ever made. There are other movies besides Friday After Next, dispensary.

I wish Robert Mapplethorpe were still alive to take the most awesome photo of my dick ever

Always the rebound guy, never the fiancée

I look like Burt Reynolds five years after he found out his daughter does porn

IM SUCH A BANGLES FAN I WILL “WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN” ON MY WAY TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR

If anyone is currently writing a Lifetime movie about a Latino woman with bipolar disorder, call it “Caliente y Frio” Thank me at the Emmys.

If that hit 1986 song by Berlin were more realistic, the song would’ve been called “Take My Bad Breath Away”

YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND IS THE MVP OF HPV

MY SPIRIT ANIMAL IS THE J&H PRODUCTIONS GUY

k.d. lang is more macho than you

After ten beers, they all look like your ex-girlfriend

I hope they dump all the cum in Tijuana on your grave

"Broads? Where we’re going, we don’t need broads." - Sexist Doc Brown

THIS KIA OPTIMA AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US

Just got hired to deliver anti-drinking Scared Straight seminars to the local teens. All I have to do is let them see me with no shirt on.

I just landed the lead in the upcoming remake of the Pregnant Billy Crystal romp Rabbit Test. They said “I looked the part”

Jacking off on a dead cop’s face ;)

I predict the name of the next Vince Vaughn comedic romp will be ‘#whitepeopleproblems’

"I’ll give him a Tumblr post he can’t refuse…" - line from The Blogfather

LADIES: Imagine Mohandas Ghandi eating yo pussy

My future’s so bright IM BLIND OH MY GOD HELP ME I AM BLIND!!!!!

Jesus went to Hell to go kick some ass, he’ll be right back!!!

To my neighbor loudly playing Led Zeppelin’s “Black Dog” on his electric guitar: Jimmy Page now regrets ever writing “Black Dog”

Modern country music has done it* again! *Made me question my faith in humanity

THERE’S A SUFJAN STEVENS CONCERT IN MY PANTS AND IT’S LADIES ONLY

I’VE RUINED COUNTLESS BASEBALL CARD CONVENTIONS

Big ups to whoever tagged “pes” after the title art of ‘Her’ on this bus stop poster. You are the man.

The room was so quiet you could hear the crablice on Ol’ Willie Dunagan’s pecker breathing in fevered unison.

I’m surprised they don’t pelt bad performers with organic, sustainable tomatoes at alt-comedy shows

Fuck the #Grammys when is a REAL awards show like the American Music Awards or the Billboard Music Awards coming on???

"Witey Bulger" is what Mickey Rooney called his dick back when it used to get hard (the early 1970’s)

I WISH ZOLOFT CAME IN BEER FORM

Only 1 thing beats the smell of pussy: THE SMELL OF OVERMICROWAVED HUNGRY JACK BLUEBERRY PANCAKES #nohomo

If I had to rate your comedy on a scale of Michael Jackson albums, it definitely is Bad

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THEN I DON’T BLAME YOU

"Did Skeet Ulrich dial 10-10-321 before phoning in his performance in Chill Factor?" - me if I were a film critic in 1999

If David Allen Coe was up with the times, he’d have a song called “That Cunt Who Blogs For Jezebel”

BITCH U AINT WORTH THE PEAS IN MY DISCARDED RAMEN CUP

Excerpt from Tom Selleck’s People magazine from April 1983: “I love my moustache because it traps that sweet Chinese girl pussy smell…”

CODE NAME: CHAD SANTOS

If Optimus Prime had bowel problems, he’d be classified as a dump truck

You have the walk of a man with an embarrassingly small penis

My mom walked in on me one time jerking off to gay porn. But it’s cool, it was lesbians.

I want a 1985 Terri Garr in the streets and a 1974 Terri Garr in the sheets.

I WANT TO TIE YOUR PUSSYLIPS INTO A NICE BOW AND THEN DECORATE MY DICK WITH IT

Jay Leno cried because he is a pussy #beaman

I LOVE R&B AND ALSO FOOD FROM SHONEY’S

Anyone have a gun I could blow my brains out with? I was gonna chase a whole bottle of Vicodin with vodka but I’m cutting back on alcohol.

If I had to pick a Billy Crystal movie that best describes my penis, definitely MY GIANT

If Cars 3 took place in the garage where Jay Leno keeps his cars, it would be more of a Holocaust drama than a kid’s movie.

The worst country song I’ve ever heard is “There’s a Tear in my Low-Carb Beer”

I washed my penis for this?!?!?!

"Shank You" - a polite inmate

Al Pacino is so old, he now yells “Sci-Attica! Sci-Attica!”

"White Purr!" - Ku Klux Kat

If your Tinder photo is of you at Burning Man, I’m definitely clicking ‘NOPE’

"Today I watched a drifter set himself on fire"

If found guilty of a crime and you wish to plead insanity - For greater effect, plead VIRTUAL insanity.

"!Mi familia y el futuro es mucho loco!" - Jorge Jetson

Lotta Farmers Tans, pupusa booths and mountains of empty Tecate cans over here at Burning Mang (taking place in a junkyard in San Pedro)

The coolest thing about me if I were gay would be my boyfriend could totally tittyfuck me

I tried to email a lady a picture of my penis but it didn’t go through. Something about my penis being “too big for the internet.” Huh.

I became an athiest when I learned that my penis is too big for heaven. Or hell.

I’m so much into ass that the part of the burger I most look forward to is the buns.

NEXT TIME YOU CALL THE COPS TELL THEM I SAID FUCK YOU

It feels great to be the Asian With the Largest Penis on Earth, even though it’s only four inches long.

Selling a jar of baby snakes in case anyone needs them for their Greek mythology-inspired porn shoot to make Medusa’s bush

Ace Ventura: When a Stranger Calls

I’m going to be drunk for Halloween because I’m really good at scaring people when I’m drunk.

The worst stage name a white entertainer can use is Sammy Davis III

If I were around when Ghandi starved himself, I’d be milking the occasion by selling shirts that read ‘WHO FASTED?’

I just now remembered one time I saw a very explicit photo of a woman spread-eagled that was developed at Walgreens

Currently at Denny’s, alone, eating a sundae in celebration of the one week anniversary of a skater kid calling me gay.

LADIES: Your boyfriend could be pro-apartheid and he won’t even tell you.

"Watson…I declare! This is child pornography!" - Sherlock Holmes SVU

A redneck’s ultimate fantasy is to have their kitchen faucet pour beer

This House of Pain just ain’t a Home of Pain

I didn’t know Santa Monica was one giant open-air fitness center

Imagine seeing Nick Cave eating at Chipotle

My biggest fear is the paramedics finding an empty bottle of painkillers and an empty bottle of Skinnygirl Vodka next to my lifeless body.

I would make the worst transsexual. My dick would hang way past my skirt. And I’m Pentecostal!

I used to steal cans of Sloppy Joe meat from Food Not Bombs AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN

I’m such a diabetic my gravestone will be in the shape of an Eskimo pie

Imagine how much cooler Frank Sinatra would have been if he were Chairman of the Skateboard

The best bringer show I’ve ever done was my high school graduation

Hustler molded their Incredible Hulk dildo after my penis on soft

Zales should seriously consider cornering the hemp jewelry market

LIU KANG WAS MY KARATE INSTRUCTOR BACK IN THE DAY

I got banned from Hot 97.1 FM for harassing them. I just wanted to hear “Kung Fu Fighting” at 2:00 every day.

The Terminator is based on a true story

I’m so badass, when I was born the doctor put a plate glass window on my mom’s vagina and I burst through it in such badass baby fashion.

I QUEEFED OUT MY DICKHOLE SO NOW I HAVE TO CHANGE MY AREA CODE

The inside of my soul looks like a Lisa Frank trapper keeper with 2 dolphins fuckin’ on a rainbow on it

Dear Carls Jr: YOUR GREAT-SMELLING BATHROOMS CAN’T MAKE UP FOR THE FACT THAT YOU UNDERPAY YOUR ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT EMPLOYEES

Heads up, Hell, Earth has a 1000 year late fee!

I just now envisioned John Lennon had he survived into 1985, wearing the ugliest fucking rainbow sweater imaginable.

My spirit animal is the guy in the late 80’s who used to say “Female Body Inspector” at the FBI Warning at the beginning of every VHS tape.

"Chunky water" is the grossest thing I’ve ever thought of

Is there a medical themed rapper named WebMC?

Dave Navarro looks like the world’s laziest transgender person

EVERYBODY KNOWS SHE’S A FEMME FATALE MAINLY BECAUSE SOMEONE TAPED A PIECE OF PAPER READING “I’M A FEMME FATALE” TO HER BACK

I think the Cleveland Browns would garner more respect and notoriety if they went by the Cleveland Nino Browns.

The Fonz setting fire to a black church is considered a Heyyyyy-te Crime

I drank some strawberry Propel out of the Holy Grail so yeah my Wednesday’s been pretty tight thus far

Clint Eastwood loves breasts so much, he should change his name to Clint Breastwood!

My dick has breathed more pussy air than your dick

BITCH LEMME LICK THAT DUCKBOX

I’d like to book a female comic. A one woman show…IN MY BED

I HOPE YOU DRIVE HOME DRUNK TONIGHT

TELL YOUR DAD TO QUIT COCKBLOCKING YOUR MOM

Justin Bieber sounds awesome on vinyl

I somehow attract women who resemble The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin

I’m afraid my impersonation of the actor Jack Warden is a little too sophisticated for this open mic crowd.

DOWNTOWN LA SMELLS LIKE EAZY E’S DEATHBED

Today I stood in defiance to my proctologist, and I held back tears as I proudly told him, “My booty. My choice.”

I bet James Dean made hot rod noises with his mouth as he fucked his boyfriend in the ass.

Imagine your dad in a tuxedo stripping to Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz”

I would fart on your grave but I have class.

"Madonna’s daughter is turning 18 this year" is my creepiest thought so far of 2014

Picture a midget sitting on the toilet. So adorable!

The Papa Johns guy is always shot from the waist up because he always talks about pizza and it gives him a gigantic boner

A bull wearing designer skinny jeans and a Coogi cardigan is a hipsteer

Best Tweets of 2013 (Oct. 22nd thru Dec 31st)

"Seacrest…IN!" What Ryan Seacrest says every time he sticks his dick in some dude’s ass

Here’s hoping my cunnilingus skills will one day save humanity

The Sobe’ Lizard mascot and the Geico Gecko are gay lovers

My favorite paramedic prank is the ol’ defibulator to the buttocks

Rosie O’Donnell is going as Slutty Otho from Beetlejuice for Halloween

I want to fuck like Cuba Gooding Jr in Boyz n the Hood

Just saw the poster for The Delivery Man. Looks like Vince Vaughn is up to some relatable-to-whites-only shenanigans again!!!

The Feminine Mesquite: barbecue sauce for women

Each of my testicles is a millionaire. A sperm cell millionaire.

BREAKING NEWS: Catholic Church to replace holy water with holy chipotle mayo

I played a Jimmy Buffett song backwards. He talked about drinking margaritas out of Satan’s cock. Creepy.

I AM THE MARK FUHRMAN OF COMEDY

What did the Ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson with a Baseball Field Fetish say? “If you build it, I WILL CUM”

Scott Ian’s goatee looks like he’s sucking Chewbacca’s dick

God is an Awesome Kisser

Me and my Japanese family are never going back to Aspen. When the townspeople said they were gonna “hit the slopes” they beat our ass.

I bet Rob Ford used to scream “IM BUILT FORD TOUGH!!!” whenever he was high on crack

BREAKING: Boobs rule

I only read Playgirl for the articles

"THE DONGER NEED DUDE" - Gay Long Duck Dong

The weirdest thing I ever found in my grandmother’s closet was a rusty old monkeywrench with a photo of a shirtless Clark Gable next to it.

Man u so gay if you was a mosquito the first place on my body you’d bite me would be my dick

I just made it rain dookie dollars in the work toilet

"Here’s the problem right here, you got olive oil on your keyboard and pita bread stuck in the disc drive" - Greek Squad

I put the SKA in SKATEBOARDS ARE COOL

If Vince Vaughn was Mexican his new movie would be called ‘Delivery Mang’

I bet so many teenage gals in the 90s obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio watched The Basketball Diaries fantasizing that they were Bruno Kirby

LORENZO’S OIL IS MY BEATOFF LUBE

Segregation is terrible. I have to drink from a ‘HUNKS ONLY’ water fountain.

If only Madea had Rhianna’s body

I’m a natural-born proctologist because all I see are assholes

"Yo man im bout ta bust a cap in my drawers" - ghetto thugs with diarrhea

THE CONJURING = 2 hours of people trying to open doors

Gloria Estefan, when you warned “the rhythm was going to get me” you weren’t lying! Give my regards to the Miami Sound Machine!

Gorillas are so strong they hurl their poo into space

I measure my dick in party subs

I just Shazam’d my fart. Turns out it’s “Last Resort” by Papa Roach.

MY ASIAN WIFE SHE SO CRAZY SHE KUNG FU MY ASS

I would watch Downton Abbey but I don’t think I could handle all those Austin Powers accents.

I hope Wrangler makes W-crotch jeans, for men with sharp, cone-like testicles.

Just because I own Ernest Goes to Jail on DVD doesn’t mean I don’t know what art is.

COME PUFF MY STUFF GET HIGH OFF MY DICK THE BONG IS MY DICK AND THE BONGWATER IS IN MY BLADDER

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of music? Arrrrrrr & B

How many calories are in a booger?

The only 2 reasons to watch ‘The Canyons’: LINDSAY LOHAN’S BOOBS

Imagine the Constitution but all in Comic Sans font

Martin Luther King owns and operates Heaven’s most badass 50’s-themed diner.

"Tom Arnold is my comedy hero" - nobody

I sure hope Michael Clarke Duncan had a separate casket for that big black dick of his

Speaking of annoying promotional ploys, Pep Boys are offering for a limited time Smaug Checks.

My mom would be more proud of me winning the lottery than finishing college

If Betsy Ross were around today, she’d make a living designing very patriotic Tumblr pages.

My balls are so blue they joined the Crips

If These Walls Could Talk Some Shit

Charles Durning in Tootsie had the worst trans radar ever

Just ripped a fart that smells worse than Anti-Americanism

I’m gonna call the local radio station and declare “Let it snow!” and then ask them to play Snow’s “Informer”

My penis raved “Gripping!” when asked about my right hand

My ex-girlfriend’s vagina is voiced by Scatman Crothers

IF MASTURBATION IS A SIN THEN I AM THE ANTICHRIST

I hope my auto-enhancement business, Say It With Hydraulics, gets a big boost this Valentine’s Day.

I don’t mean to cause a gender ruckus but the only votes from women that count are the ones for People magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year

"Ah, back when I rotary-dialed a phone while a big black hunk destroyed my asshole…them’s was the days!" - Village People Cop today

My least favorite Chappelle’s Show character is the one that kept saying he was Rick James’s Bitch.

More bad news for Chicago Bears fans: Aaron Rodgers is not gay

Best Tweets (Mid-August to Mid-October, 2013)

Just putting up my best tweets to reference later for standup jokes and ideas. Don’t mind me.

if he is related to Kevin Eubanks

I only wear Armani when I go eat at Carl’s Jr.

If I were homeless I’d hold up a cardboard sign reading “I LOVE CARDBOARD!!!”

Is Bon Jovi still wanted, dead or alive? If so, authorities, he was last seen on a steel horse!

I throw molotov cocktails like a girl

My favorite Gary Wright song named after HTML development software is “Dreamweaver”

"I be like dam!" - ghetto beaver admiring his own dam-building skills

Im a tribal tattoo and an empty stomach away from legally declaring insanity

"Caffeine Helium Vitamins Manicotta Herbal Tea and Basketball" - Queens of the Stone Age if they were straight edge

Just bumped into Ellen DeGeneres at Men’s Wearhouse

. I wish I had some pussy

I can’t wait to see what’s in the “Cumin Soon” section at Spice Mart!

Justin Bieber will be starring in the next episode of ‘The Man With the 132 lb Scrotum’. He’ll be playing the scrotum.

My favorite white collar crime is stealing egg salad from Whole Foods’ salad bar

My least favorite cartoon character is Blasty the Suspicious Package

Androgyny is a womens basketball coach

Kirk Cameron won’t kiss another woman on screen who isn’t his wife because he is gay

GOD WILL RETURN AS A DILDO

Shark Led Zeppelin spent all night shoving a 17 year old girl into a female shark’s vagina

"I have a bad dream" - Martin Luther King, age 4

I tried to make a joke about non-Apple Mp3 players but then someone yelled “Too Zune!”

Creedence Clearwater Revival should change their name to Vietnam: The Band

It’s raining Orlando Bloom DVD’s

The ghost in my apartment just whispered “Zoom Zoom” into my ear and now I have to go purchase a Mazda

That’d be funny if Lynyrd Skynyrd were Canadian this whole time

Master Pee

Lenny Kravitz should give his dreadlocks to Hard Rock Cafe - Daytona Beach

I wonder if the cast/crew of Monster (2003) drank Monster energy drink on set?

BIGGEST GRAMMY UPSET EVER: Body Count’s “KKK Bitch” wasn’t even nominated for Song of the Year

I just got a really cool job! I’m getting paid $100 a gig to show up to weddings to urinate on their ice sculptures afterwards.

FACT: The Tony Awards were named after Tony Danza

If you want to dress R2D2 up as a stoner just put a Rastafari cap with dreadlocks on its head.

Your Bettie Page haircut reeks of bourbon, an empty fascination with hot rod culture, and the Reverend Horton Heat’s sperm

27 years later and the Boogeyman won’t leave me alone. That fucker owes me back rent.

Can’t say I disagree with the overall message of Body Count’s “Cop Killer”

Necrophiliacs like their pussy al dente

I like it in the butt. And by “it” I mean an old paperback copy of Stephen King’s It shoved right up in there.

I’m such a kid, I wrote my suicide manifesto in crayon

BIG NEWS: I am finally headlining! I’m headlining tomorrow’s LA Times Obituary section after blowing my goddamn brains out

"I’m high as hell…and I’m not going to toke it anymore!!!" - Stoner Peter Finch

This 80’s comedy roast I’m watching has made about 45 minutes worth of jokes about poor feminine hygiene

This chick is way too hot to be in a laxative commercial

Hey Mike Watt I defended myself against the 70’s, now what?!?!

I would kill a man in the dead of winter for the Reverend Al Sharpton’s autograph

People who have a near-death experience always see a light. I guess that means life is just one big, shitty open mic.

Forget the tweets, SHOW ME THOSE TEETS

Pulp Fan Fiction

Cars 2 should have been the cars gang rescuing other cars from the evil clutches of Jay Leno

Bob Mould’s favorite cartoon character is Scuby Du

WORST TV SHOW IDEA EVER: “Fraggle Ska”

It must have been frustrating for Tyrannosaurus Rex dinosaurs to jerk off because their little baby T-rex arms couldn’t reach their cocks.

PRO TIP: When going to the unemployment office, don’t tell the clerk “Job me, nigga!”

I think I just experienced my first penis queef

If Sonic Youth were from Mississippi their biggest hit would be “Expressway to Yr Skoal”

The worst thing about Halloween is that it is the last day of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Today was the only day I wore cornrows and I never left the apartment to show them off

If Grace Jones were a pothead she should change her name to “Grass Jones”

I HAVE TERMINAL COOTIES

Let us never forget the Zoot Suit Riots of 1997

Whose dick do I have to suck around here to piss off my right wing conservative family members?

I dreamed queefed into a saxophone onstage at one of her concerts

Currently redefining cool by sitting at a Roscoe Village tavern, alone, with my laptop and my earbuds on listening to ABBA

SMOOCH MY GOOCH

Optometrists should give eye exams where the patients have to tell the difference between photos of Dave Grohl and Gibby Haynes

Say “Franzia” 5 times in front of a mirror and you will be murdered by the evil spirit of a Manhattan sommelier

Hipster poltergeists smoke American Evil Spirits

I’m about to shut this Senor Frogs airport bar down

Best Tweets (Late April-Early August 2013), with a Side Order of…ME!!!!

Hi! It’s been a while. I’ve been so busy, that my podcast, The Answering Machine (http://soundcloud.com/answeringmachinepodcast) has been on an unofficial 2-month hiatus BUT I started recording Episode 6 this past weekend and it should be launching at the end of the month, with subsequent episodes coming every month (I’m aiming at 2 episodes per month, but I am also a stoner and my work ethic level is set to “turtle” as opposed to “hare”… 

Also, I’ve been getting booked standup shows, which rarely if ever happens to me. It can take a lot out of you, but it is also a lot of fun to entertain strangers and peers alike. And I’m currently developing a TV pilot script, a high school football movie, and my feature-length directorial debut, a horror film in the vein of the original Evil Dead (1981), that I hope to Kickstarter fund by at the latest October. So, in addition to being a pothead and a drunkard, my plate is pretty full for the remainder of the year. And I didn’t even mention that starting in September, my Sundays are all taken (Go Saints!).

Oh, enough of the self-serving horseshit, here are my best tweets from April 27, 2013 through August 5, 2013!!!!

Guys who braid their beards: Why?

"They may take our lives…but they’ll never take…MY HUMPS!!!" - Wallace

"Who ate all the pussy?" - most common complaint of any orgy

Devo’s “Space Junk” is my favorite song about junk from space

I’m surprised NASA never offered to send Gil Scott-Heron to the moon out of guilt

I bet Hitler was called “Zitler” in junior high

Happy 20th anniversary, all those missing kids from Soul Asylum’s “Runaway Train” video! (Although most of you are probably dead)

Realistically, Jesus looks a great deal like the guy from Korn

Like my friend the pastry shop owner always says, “Hakuna Frittata!”

(Deep, Satanic voice) “You might be a redneck” - Jeff Gothworthy

I bet junior high tuba players used to fantasize about being the “Jimi Hendrix of the Tuba”

I bet the wrap party for the 1998 Billy Crystal movie ‘My Giant’ was off the chain

I don’t care to see Fast and the Furious Part 6. Personally, I prefer The Pacifier-era Vin Diesel.

I bet 1970’s power pop groupies were really into blowin’ Raspberries.

Sorry, I didn’t get the memo about Farmers’ Tans not being in this season.

I want to hurl patio furniture at your vagina

That movie Real Steel better have a steel drum soundtrack

If I had to pick my favorite Bob Marley song, I’d say it would have to be “Cops Theme Song”

I’m afraid I’m “overqualified” for this 7-Eleven hot breakfast sandwich

I like to call John Cheever’s mistress an “under-a-Cheever”

I dieted/exercised 2 days in a row and I still get mistaken for playing the Samoan guy who sold snake bite juice in Natural Born Killers.

I might steal someone’s Grammy award and spend the next 2 years figuring out how to turn it into a bong.

I just did the ballsiest thing ever. I put deodorant on one armpit instead of both.

I know I’m a little late in saying this, but Ed Hardy sucks.

Imagine losing a fistfight to one of the dudes in Air

"It’s a Booooooyyyyyyyyy!!!" - Flavor Flav delivering a baby

UPDATE: Still fat

Me and 4 other guys are starting a pop group called One Erection. One of us has an erection for each show and then we rotate.

Ice Cube’s first album is titled Amerikkka’s Most Wanted. I guess the person who was supposed to proofread the album title was sick that day

I was really depressed today until I realized that Bon Jovi’s initials are “BJ”

I think at some point they are going to alphabetize the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Conservative baptist males and Asian men read Prayboy

I’ll drive a Saturn over your grave

Im going to not shave my face for a while and I’m taping a photo of myself with a beard to my face that reads ‘Coming Soon’

Happy 25th anniversary, Dave Navarro’s nipple piercings!

Alright, whoever came into my apartment during my nap and carved a swastika in my forehead: NOT FUNNY!

Death is Humanity’s Janitor.

For the record, I have a pretty normal porn collection.

NEW SHOCKER: 5 IN THE STINK

I think Columbus sailed to America just for the pussy.

My favorite movie this summer is where Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston adopt a reggae collection in ‘Bob Marley & Me’.

Gurl u so hot Imma leave dis frozen Hungry Man dinner next to u don’t go n e wHere heat dat shit up gurl u hot

"Whoa that guy can rap" - anyone seeing Macklemore perform for the first time (including myself)

Heil Hitler J/K

Thank you, University of Phoenix, for letting me realize that, even though I’ve hit rock bottom, I haven’t totally hit rock bottom!

That couple next door sure do masturbate loud

I’m more of an emotional tipped-over segway than an emotional train wreck

I only go to Chippendales for their chocolate martinis

RIP Guy who contracted AIDS in TLC’s “Waterfalls” video

Hey, man in a tye-dye shirt, let me help you add some brown to those colors

Only Florida Panhandle trailer trash and young female liberal arts majors name their cat “Metallica”

During my NAMBLA interview, I swear there was a guy in a cubicle masturbating to Aaron Carter’s “That’s How I Beat Shaq” music video

I told the guy at the Sno-Cone stand today, “There’s no business like snow business, eh?” He then called me a retard.

If you begin a conversation with me that goes “You’re gonna love this…” I’m not gonna love it. Unless it’s pussy.

I’m such a romantic I usually perform foreplay with my pillows before having sex with them

I’m interested in seeing the cast of Stomp!’s old stomping grounds

I’m not cool enough to masturbate to Karen O.

Redneck astronomers always complain about the “jew-run meteor”

Sometimes when I have an erection, I put a hot dog bun on it and pretend it’s a coffin. Then I throw away the hot dog bun and jerk off.

Just saw a poster for The Lone Ranger. Man, Hunter S. Thompson needs to lay off the psychedelics!

I’d like to see someone get the shit beaten out of them by a baboon

Don’t tell anyone but guys with ponytails intimidate me

No offense to women with standards, but I like to fuck on the first date

Do you know why black people love fried chicken? Because it’s fucking delicious!!!

The Players’ Guide to Being Lonely

I’m celebrating Canada Day by going to work early!

Did you know that Satan did an open mic recently? He was Hell-larious!!!

☆。 ★。 ☆ ★ 。☆ 。☆。☆ ★。\|/。★ I’m Lonely ★。/|\。★ 。 ☆。☆。☆ ☆。 ★。 ☆ ★

I should switch places with my credit. Because at least that is getting fucked on a regular basis.

I bet R.L. Stine’s wife calls him “R.L. Fine!” around the house and then they have sex.

I think Jennifer Aniston fucked the guy from Counting Crows because she’s into shitty music.

Pussy-flavored Doritos NOW GIVE ME A BILLION DOLLARS

Imagine how different Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s reputation would be had he sang about how he loves big tits instead of big butts

If I were a child with a terminal illness, my Make-a-Wish wish would be for me to have pubes.

My left nut and right nut haven’t spoken to each other in six years

I went ahead and bought my Christmas tree early

The only car that can get away with being orange is a Lamborghini. Better luck next time, 1991 Ford Explorer.

Just saw Will Oldham’s hair on a milk carton

Wake me up when Sparks-nado happens (a tornado of Mael brothers)

"Hey thanks for recording a song about me, but I would never disguise myself as a lady. That’s gay." - the Devil talking to Elvis in Hell

Just gave all of my money to a crackhead

Nothing beats that “brand new” smell of a newly purchased Fleshlight.

I was pulled over by the credit police, only to be told, “Keep up the good work, citizen.”

I don’t recall the Boston Marathon bomber causing controversy last week when he had made the cover of Ska Digest

Jay Z should have changed his name to Rapper Von Rappingsworth the Third

I can’t believe Del Taco provides unfair wages to their workers. Which reminds me, I could go for some Del Taco right now.

Forget R.I.P.D. just make a movie about Jeff Bridges’ beard

I like to go to iHop and scream loudly “This is an International House of Lies!” and then order an omlet

I regret getting this Meg Griffin tattoo on my penis

When I lose 40 lbs im going to Hawaii. For now, I have to settle for Milwaukee.

Forget rape jokes, we should stop telling drape jokes, because drapes aren’t funny

Dear Coolio: my patience for your followup of the immortal “Gangstas Paradise” is beginning to wear thin.

Oh to have been a fly on the wall when Hootie and the Blowfish were sitting around and they came up with Fairweather Johnson!

My Aunt Cindy is going to see 2 Guns and she calling it 2 Buns and that she hopes to see Mark Wahlberg’s “2 buns”

San Quentin Prison just hired me to perform my comedy for their inmates, because what I do is “cruel and unusual punishment”.

Id like to get a very tasteful gang tattoo

My first tattoo is going to be of a black silk bra over my breasts and the snap on my back. It’s gonna be awesome.

How do I get a writing job at Maxim? I have plenty of jokes that Family Guy couldn’t handle the awesomeness of.

Spam is cat food for humans

I’d hate to be a female who inspired a 2 Live Crew song

What if every single person alive is a Frank Caliendo impersonation?

When I see a girl in a fur coat I know she’s a slutty Bigfoot and Halloween started early

"Personally, I prefer MISTER Pac-Man!!!" - male chauvinist in 1983 after playing Ms. Pac-Man

"You’re gonna be a HUGE star!" - God, to a newly formated sun

If I were in a ska band, my stage name would be George C. Ska-tt

My Best Tweets of 2013 (So far)

Hello,

I like to archive my tweets. The following is my favorite tweets of mine from December 30, 2012 through today, April 26, 2013. Enjoy?

Hey lay off Kim Kardashian’s baby. One day it will grow up to become a really great skincare infomercial at 3 am spokesmodel

Michael Winslow should videotape himself playing “Taps” with his mouth and then screen it at his funeral.

"Eligible bachelor" is a really nice way to say "loser"

A white man set this tweet free

I played some KC & Jojo earlier when I masturbated. I think my pillows are in love with me.

This chick in this Midol commercial is smokin

Somebody come grab me when Toni Morrison switches bodies with this hot white chick on p. 122 of this Playboy Girls of the Pac-10 issue

When Josh Homme left Kyuss to form Queens of the Stone Age, Kyuss was all No Homme-o

Like my haircut? FLOWBEE, NIGGA.

I don’t care for No nudity? No thanks.

They should remake that movie Wild Hogs, but still use the same actors.

Ke$ha came out about being a bisexual. That’s cool. She still sucks though.

I had something really important I wanted to say about Alzheimers, but I don’t remember what it was.

Zimride - If you want to see America AND a stranger’s fully erect penis

The Ghost of Idi Amin Sings!

That’s not a circumsicion THAT’S A BATTLE SCAR FROM THE PUSSY WARS

Are Kathleen Turner’s queefs raspy too?

I accidentally washed my genitals with high volume shampoo. Now my pubes look like Barbara Streisand circa 1982.

THEY CALL ME DR. HALLOWEEN

SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA A BUFFALO CHICKEN SANDWICH IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR

That had better be brown paint droplets on the toilet seat and not what I think it is

Dick Vitale looks good for 142

"Go back to Paprika!!!" - racist spice rack

Saw Louis Farrakhan today. He said something to me about “White people will be extinct in 200 years”?

I want to live on that fucking golf course where Hootie and the Blowfish’s “I Only Want to Be With You” video was shot.

If I were A$AP Rocky, I’d make the C in Rocky a cent sign.

If I were A$AP Rocky, I’d make the Y in Rocky a yen symbol

MURDER, SHE TWEETED

They should start making maxi pads for redneck chicks with a camouflage design on them

I’ve been crying all morning. I should probably take this onion out of my ass.

I want to spread baby oil all over Channing Tatum’s naked body, but in a completely heterosexual and non-stimulating manner.

David Duke’s favorite pastry place is Cake-Cake-Cake!

That’d be funny if Shang Tsung turned into Sonja and fucked some male Mortal Kombat characters and was like “Haha you’re gay now, later!”

I always shout “Shit’s about to get real!” whenever I take a shit.

There’s a party* in my pants and you’re invited! *It’s a scat party

Saw a cute girl last night with a tote bag that read “I LIKE NERDS” so I ate some boogers in front of her. She doesn’t like nerds.

I just screamed “You killed Natalie Wood!” at a gallon of water

Don’t tell me to get in touch with my feminine side. Tell my vagina.

I know my date and I are gonna turn a lot of heads on Valentine’s Day. She’s a Fleshlight with a photo of Emma Stone taped on it.

Too bad there’s no leap year this year. IT WOULD’VE BEEN AN EXTRA DAY IN FEBRUARY OF ME NOT GIVING A FUCK.

What did the coroner do to the bodybag containing Morton Downey Jr.’s corpse? ZIP IT!

If you’re a cop and you’re reading this, FUCK YOU PIG

I can’t wait for March Madness! (That time of year when most of the homeless population goes through drug/alcohol withdrawal)

If you see me in public wearing just Oakley shades and sweatpants, I’m fat Asian Johnny Cage and I’m late for my Mortal Kombat cosplay meet!

I just saw the tiger from Life of Pi’s tiger butthole

I only watch films that have “Also Starring Tony Danza” in the credits

Note to self: Be envy of current generation

I think the worst place for students to take a field trip is The Tomb of the Unknown No Limit Soldier

I took a dump in a steel drum to hit that low note.

Fun idea: resurrect all your dead pets you’ve ever had, then have them battle it out gladiator style and see who’s left standing.

Zelda from Pet Sematary just blocked me on OK Cupid :(

"I’m getting too old for this shit" - Danny Glover after taking a shit

That movie The Call would be better if Halle Berry got a 911 call from someone who got a Pringles can stuck in their asshole.

If anyone is looking for an excuse to drink tomorrow, always remember that we could get attacked by North Korea at any given moment.

My spirit animal is that “I’M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!!!” fat kid from Donnie Darko.

When Mitt Romney and his wife have sex, they get “Inti-Mitt”!

Forget your comedy show tonight, i’m currently getting a kick out of watching this drunken working class Mexican guy trying to ride his bike

"All whitey then!" - Ace Ventura, klansman

There was an episode of 7th Heaven where the dad talked a suicidal teen out of suicide. He was suicidal because he was on 7th Heaven.

I can’t wait for the next Doritos flavor: Plain Taco Bell taco shell-flavored Doritos.

Here’s a Virgin Mobile Phone with $1.82 Left On It, Call/Text Someone Who Cares

Film critic Elvis Mitchell and the actor who played Long Beach Mike in Reservoir Dogs are the same person.

H fheuscb djxhdk aasbdksb cjcidnd, fjidck dkxbdj!!! (Sorry I typed this on a Dvorak keyboard)

FYI I wear the pants in my imaginary relationship with Emma Stone

Want to hear an edgy joke? A white horse fell in the mud ON 9/11

My friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is Pedro Cruz, the guy who comes over to all our apartments and eats our spiders.

RT if you miss having a white president

I live in a cruel, unfair world where Roger Ebert dies a tragic death while Shawn Edwards of FOX-TV continues to roam the earth.

is my favorite website to meet girls who have no interest in sex whatsoever

Fugazi’s moustache rides are always going to be $6

My favorite channel is Bravo. Because when I watch 5 seconds of it and then change the channel, it’s like my TV is telling me “Bravo!”

That’d be funny if Daft Punk took their masks off and revealed that they were Vanilla Ice and Fred Durst this whole time

"I am not an animal! I am a funky human being!" - The Funky Elephant Man

In honor of the upcoming Grown Ups 2, I just farted.

CAT BURGLARS: When you break into my apartment enjoy my assortment of empty medicinal pot containers and porno mags dating back to 2002!

Joe’s Crab Shack is just Long John Silvers with beer

Margaret Thatcher’s favorite song was War’s “Lowrider” so call your local classic rock station and pay tribute to this great woman.

"Well, at least I can finally get caught up with all that masturbating I’ve been missing out on" - guy who’s wife just died

Congratulations to Al Pacino on 22 years of being senile!

I am going to be on the cover of ‘Flatulent Male Monthly’ magazine!

Live-Tweet THIS *grabs dick

When I die, somebody bury me with a saxophone. Its a great funeral conversation starter “But Don never played the saxophone…?!”

Robert Frost’s road less traveled was paved with irregularity!

I do all my best masturbating on the weekend.

LIFE LESSON: The best PEZ dispenser to jam up your butt is Spiderman

The number one philosophy that is constantly preached by management of Banana Republic to its employees is “The customer is always white”

That Macklemore guy’s head looks like a 1992 Playmate’s bush

I just wasted a whole day practicing my ‘Comics Unleashed!’ interview in front of a mirror

I stopped collecting vinyl when I realized that I was a loser

'Glitter'? More like 'Bad Mariah Carey Movie'!

"Dude, I totally owned you" - plantation owner to his slave the day slavery ended

"I’m in Heat" - Al Pacino in 1995

 

Present Tense

Failure is okay. You learn from failure. The trick is to not let it consume you with fear.

Stay positive. Don’t be afraid of what’s ahead. If you are, then you’ll never get there.

Anger towards others is a waste of time. Stay positive. Trust yourself.

Hate is a terrible thing. Meet the ones you feel dishonored by with apathy and not hostility.

When all else fails, start over.

Standup 12/13/2012