This year alone, I wrote over 5,000 tweets. Only about 120 of them are funny. You can’t be “on” all the time. I’m probably not going to tweet as much for the remainder of 2012 because I’m sober now and that means I’ve become boring. *Note: My Twitter feed cuts off at June 8, 2012. It could be a good thing, because my output wasn’t so hot around that time. But here goes:
Here’s hoping I one day marry the heiress to the TJ Maxx empire
If Jimmy Buffett loves the sun so much, he should move there
Hitler was a great man JK Hitler was a lunatic!
The voices for Madagascar 3 are also the voices in my head!
Hell is a real hellhole
What the makers of Shamwow don’t tell you is how great their product is at cleaning up crime scenes
"Why so blue, guys?" - me to the Blue Man Group (they didn’t get it)
I just put a $50,000 down payment on a solid gold statue of the actor Stephen Rea. Huge fan.
Rodney King is dead. Irony: one of the officers who beat him had the last name “Koon”
I want to put a Kangol hat and a gold chain on Terri Schiavo and call her “LL Drool J”
I just threw up a gang sign at the Blind Boys of Alabama
Hot Tip: Never call 911 during a murder mystery dinner. Turns out that shit is staged!
"It’s slobberin’ time!" - The Thing if he were a St. Bernard
Remind me next time I visit a gloryhole bathroom stall so I can tie a nice little note to the stranger’s penis that reads ‘I’m not gay!’
I bet Garfield wont hate Mondays once he discovers heroin
Gatorade is now the official sponsor of Haterade
Where Did Uncle Larry Touch You? Doll
Weird Owl Yankovic
Does a tree scream when you cut it down? Of course, hence the band SCREAMING TREES
Tuesdays With Morrie spoiler alert!!! It sucks
If a man falls down in the woods and no one is around, do the trees point and laugh at him?
I think “Don’t come crawling back!” is the funniest thing to say to a newborn baby after leaving it in a dumpster
Meet all your lube and buttplug needs at
Ted is “the funniest movie of all time” according to iveonlyseenonemovieever.com
Frosted Flakes are rat jizz rags
I’d hate to be Michael Bay’s girlfriend, because when they fight it turns into a huge production.
If Sir Mix-A-Lot likes big butts he should meet my Aunt Cindy
If These Walls Could Fart
I needed a travel alarm clock and this customer service rep wearing a genie outfit started rapping to me. Do not go to Radio Shaq.
My favorite part of the Bible is where it rained chocolate and cities began erecting statues of Tay Zonday.
Just now when I flushed the toilet I said “Arrivederci!” in a Bugs Bunny voice to my shit
An AIDS quilt would make a wonderful jizz rag for Paul Bunyan
I can’t wait to see the results of Ernest Borgnine’s toxicology report!
Every time I cry when I masturbate, I call it “Sobbin’ on my Knob”
If Wilma and Betty were real cavewomen, they’d be ugly as fuck
The most compelling thing that has ever happened at an all-white private high school was someone spraypainting “WIGGER” on a locker
Nothing more awesome than an old crumpled-up photo of a shirtless Tom Selleck torn out of a magazine in your mom’s closet next to her dildo
Ugh I bet the veggie burger slaughterhouse is a gross, gory place
"Hey Vern, I got blackout drunk and shot myself" - Ernest P. Hemmingway
Anne Hathaway as Catwoman? Oooh, I wouldn’t mind scooping up her litter ;)
The Expendables 2 will include scenes of them blowing each other that they forgot to put in Part 1!!!
I like how on Spotify you can forward people songs. I just forwarded GG Allin’s “Bite It You Scum” to my mom.
It sucks that R2D2 doesn’t do that many films outside of the Star Wars franchise. He’s my favorite actor.
For the record, this “hot girl” I’m referring to is white.
This isn’t a real mustache; I got a dirty sanchez a while back and am too lazy to clean it off.
The first truly great thing in years to happen to me just happened - I just won a year’s supply of ethnic hair care products.
My favorite Neil Diamond song is “Fuckin’ on a Futon”
I bet Paul Bunyan has had sex with a well
I bet Jack Palance used to piss in a call girl’s face and go “It’s the legend of Curly’s gold hahaha!!!”
"I ain’t tha sharpest tool in the shed" sang the lead singer of Smashmouth. Ironically, he now sells tools at Lowe’s.
"Let’s go to the zoo and watch the monks do it" - The State if it aired in Tibet
Hey, who left this statue of Joe Paterno outside of my apartment building?
There’s a black chick on the bus with a neck tattoo that says QUEEN and she’s holding a bag of medical marijuana. I’m in love.
Watching two big black guys dressed as grannys jousting the shit out of each other. Having fun at Madea-val Times!
Canada: America’s Bad Haircut
My favorite performance by Chewbacca is when he played Sharon Stone’s vagina in Basic Instinct.
Rick Ro$$’s new album is called ‘God Forgives, I Don’t’. What an a$$hole.
People laugh when I tell them that I’m going to name my first-born daughter LaQuiesha. I don’t see what is so funny.
This Martin Scorsese/iPhone commercial is weird. He asks the cab driver if he’s ever seen what a 44 magnum can do to a woman’s pussy.
"Goodbye world (and student loans)" - my suicide letter
I wonder if John Ratzenberger refers to his penis as a “Cliff Bar”?
"You know a stem-like onion can’t wear no backwards hat! Shit’s too heavy for it!" - the reason why Rap Scallions never really took off
I thought this Cat Williams guy would tell a lot of cat jokes. Turns out he cusses a lot and talks about black people. Also his name is Katt
I just read an updated version of Huckleberry Finn. Instead of “nigger”, they use “nigga”. That’s nice. Modern, too.
Madagascar is walking out now. Where the fuck are those cute talking animals?!?! #olympics
eBay sucks. This Phillips-head screwdriver I purchased that Frank Sinatra stabbed into the genitals of a bookie has to be a replica.
"Dude, remember slavery?!?!" - just now on I Love the 1780’s
"Wait’ll they get a load of me" - Jack Nicholson’s sperm
John McEnroe is so trying not to get an on-camera boner interviewing the US Women’s Volleyball team. I can tell. I’m a guy. #olympics
I’m not hot because I’m fly. I’m hot because I’m trapped in an ‘86 Subaru in a Gainesville Winn Dixie parking lot HELP!!!
This 5 Hour Energy Drink commercial has a Mexican hotel worker in it. It also has a Chinese guy stir-frying rice and a black guy getting arrested.
Buffalo Wild Wings uses the term B-Dubs to describe their wings. And I thought Chick-Fil-A hated gay people.
I feel bad for kids who grew up in the 90s whose missing fathers were named Waldo.
If you thought the sketches in Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip were bad, wait’ll you see the ones in Studio 69 on the Cumshot Strip.
If I were a smartass abortion doctor, upon performing the abortion, I’d put on some shades and yell “Hasta La Vista, BABY!!!”
I’m hung like a baby: 18 inches long, 8 lbs, 4 oz.
Im quitting comedy to save the marriage I didn’t even know I had.
I just love that new Andrew W.E.A.K. song, “Party Soft”
Dinner for one tonight at Pizza Hut Express was sad
You can never go wrong, any commercial with a dog in it!
If Beethoven were a rapper, him yelling “I can’t hear you!” at an audience would carry so much gravitas.
"Jim Croce/Cat Stevens" is the new "Chinese/Japanese"
I didn’t like that movie feardotcom. Now feardotorg on the other hand…LOVED IT.
"Sorry to burst your bubble.." - What I always say before I burst a bubble
Just saw a really hot girl walking her dog downtown. Man, I wouldn’t mind picking up HER poop ;)
My favorite member of Boyz II Men is the one black guy in the sweater vest.
What is a sleeping bag to you is a windbreaker for my dick
Pussy Riot: Like Crass, but fuckable!
Your mom is my spirit animal.
People say I have a bubbly personality. Largely because I drink bubble solution I CAN’T AFFORD REAL POISON LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.
I hate Al Green. Not the singer. Im talking about Al Green the hitchhiker wanted for murder
My favorite public toilet in Paris is Jim Morrison’s grave
So, are the four massive trees on the ground level of Mount Rushmore supposed to be their dicks?
I still can’t believe Ricky Martin is gay
Megan Slaw is the worst porn actress name ever
How’s your food blog/90’s nostalgia podcast/Goonies tattoo/home noise recording/Zombie novel/33 1/3 book coming along? You don’t say!
Even poon hunters wear hunters’ orange
The sad thing about me is that if I were gay, my partner could totally tittyfuck me.
I bet Satan has jokingly said “You got the right one, baby!” to Ray Charles once in Hell.
Next time you go to Disneyland, remember that the women’s restroom is haunted by the ghost of actor Jonathan Brandis.
If you are or have been a member of Lynyrd Skynyrd, YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK
I guess it’s safe to say that Woodsy Owl “doesn’t give a hoot” about most of downtown Los Angeles.
Dirty hipster dudes only fool around with free-range, organic chickenheads.
I can’t wait to see that new Jamaican action movie, Judge Dreads 3D!!!
All the bad stuff in society? I blame The Man (the failed Samuel L. Jackson/Eugene Levy vehicle)
Once I watched the Chili Peppers’ Under the Bridge video and during the part where Kiedis is running I held my arms open in front of the TV.
I got paid a visit from the Bluetooth Fairy last night (I fell asleep with my bluetooth in my ear).
As far as the black ladies go, I still have the hots for Stacey Dash.
"Zat me, Buster Poindexter" - Santa Claus
I wonder who the first person was to duct tape a masturbation sleeve to the back of a toy AT-AT walker and fuck it doggystyle
Fred Durst, Tucker Max and Joe Francis walk into a bar. And I walk out.
I pissed off this hipster chick once. After I got through fucking her, I wiped my dick with that morning’s New York Times crossword puzzle.
Kevin Spacey stars as a hockey player who may or may not be from another planet in K-PUX.
I was recently voted “Most Diasappointing Dad”. But I don’t even have any kids!
Why would NBC greenlight a sitcom called Guys With AIDS? Wait, never mind. That’s a K, not an A.
I don’t know about the Mayan calendar, but the Wayan calendar predicts black-oriented movie spoofs and fat-suits in 2012 and beyond.
To whoever took a dump in my building’s community shower: congratulations on winning ‘Neighbor of the Year’
I just want to purchase a Fleshlight for once that actually “gets me”
Which statue will the city of Portland erect first? Clyde Drexler or Elliott Smith?
Tony Danza should have starred in Lincoln
Nobody knows my secret! (I run like a girl)
Lots of people know about The Shocker. I like to give The Shakur (2 in the pink, 1 in the stink, 5 bullets in the chest)
If you’re Mavis Leno, every date is a “J-Date” :)
I can’t wait to see The Jaws Singer (deepsea thriller about a killer Great White in blackface)
I stood next to Little Richard at a urinal. Little my ass.
Most of the girls I’ve dated who were cutters mostly just cut the cheese.
When I slip into something a “little more comfortable”, it’s usually a coma.
I don’t think OJ did it
My favorite Mexican Beat writer is William Es Burros.
More Ice Cube fans switch to BanKKK of AmeriKKKa
Hurry up and climax, loud gay neighbor who lives in my building!
You know you’re in for a bad episode of VH1’s Behind the Music when one of the twenty minute segments is about the bassist losing his hair.
"Here comes the boom!" - Kevin James seconds before playfully farting in his wife’s face
Was in the mood to masturbate but then I found out my bank sent my replacement debit card to the wrong apt. number and now I’m not in the mood.
Fun fact: Dire Straits frontman Mark Knopfler’s penis also has a sweatband.
Happy belated Veterans Day to Master P, Silkk the Shocker, and all of our beloved No Limit soldiers who fought and died for our country.
Im no martyr. I am, however, a fartyr.
"Goodbye Crue World" - Vince Neil’s suicide note
The only cab driven by a white person is the Cash Cab
My nickname for the last five years has been “Suspect”.
I have an extra ticket for tonight’s Inner Circle concert. So if you want to experience 2 hours of “Cops Theme Song” over and over, DM me!
The funniest album title of all time is “Ike Turner’s Greatest Hits”
"Help me help you go fuck yourself" - a professional asshole
Fun fact: Bruce Hornsby has a bumper sticker on his car that reads “Honk If You’re Hornsby!”
"This dog finds me fetching" - a frisbee
"Me love me long time" - a Vietnamese narcissist
I wanna remake the 80’s kids movie D.A.R.Y.L. but this time add a subplot about child sex trafficking
I think S.E. Hinton’s ‘The Outsiders’ would’ve been a more interesting book had the character Ponyboy been an actual centaur.
The way a little girl combs her Barbie doll’s hair is the same way I comb my armpit hair
I can’t wait for Judd Apatow’s next film. Snoop Dogg stars as a middle-aged man with a love of malt liquor in ‘This is a 40’
Lady Gaga is singing “Bite It You Scum” a Capella for the GG Allin tribute. I am moved to tears.
Gary Young just took the stage. I hope he has songs other than “Plantman”
I bet Sam Elliott masturbates with Stetson cologne
Finally earned my black belt in martial farts