With my first paycheck of the year I’m finally gonna get that Lisa Frank backplate tattoo of a bunch of unicorns or some shit
I wonder if the kid with Downs Syndrome in that one Garth Brooks music video gets laid for being in a Garth Brooks music video
I WANT TO FEAST ON THA BEAVER
Next time you want to get fisted, borrow mine
"To Skeet or not to Skeet" - Hamlet the Durty Rapper
Foster Brooks stole his act from Charles Bukowski!!!
This month, thousands of aging hipsters are celebrating Stephen MLKmus Day
I’m straight but I don’t pee straight. I pee pretty gay, actually.
Dying, ascending to Heaven and then having to watch a highlight reel of all the times I’ve masturbated is my biggest ever fear.
The one time I dropped acid at Chuck E. Cheese’s and ended up having sex with the 50 hole of the Skee-Ball machine while vomiting up pizza.
KISS THE FIST
MOST OF YOU SHOULD WIN AN ANDY KAUFMAN AWARD BECAUSE WHAT YOU DO IS LITERALLY ANTI-HUMOR
@tylerperry Can I have one of your BET Awards?
I bet Alex Trebek wears FUBU when he’s not taping Jeopardy
I sing “The Way We Were” to my penis every night before I fall asleep
May consider becoming a transgender person. Hell, I already have the boobs!
"D.T. Phone Papa Johns" - D.T. The Extra Terrestrial (he’s not really an alien but when he gets stoned enough, he sure talks like one!)
Also when D.T. is with a girl on her period, he touches her vagina with his magic alien finger and her vagina goes back to normal
BRB GONNA JAZZERCISE MY WAY OUT OF HELL
I’m not gay or anything, but I can totally understand women finding Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard sexy.
What if you turn on NPR and they’re playing Limp Bizkit “Break Stuff”
All I ever wanted was for one of my raunchy jokes to be sampled at the beginning of a 2 Live Crew song
I hope to be surrounded by dearest friends and loved ones on my deathfuton
They should update the video game Donkey Kong to today’s standards, that way instead of barrels, Donkey Kong rolls SOME SICKASS RIMS
I’m proud to announce that so far in 2014 I have yet to see a single ukelele at an LA comedy show!
Decided the best way to lose weight is to commit suicide
My dispensary plays the dumbest movies ever made. There are other movies besides Friday After Next, dispensary.
I wish Robert Mapplethorpe were still alive to take the most awesome photo of my dick ever
Always the rebound guy, never the fiancée
I look like Burt Reynolds five years after he found out his daughter does porn
IM SUCH A BANGLES FAN I WILL “WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN” ON MY WAY TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR
If anyone is currently writing a Lifetime movie about a Latino woman with bipolar disorder, call it “Caliente y Frio” Thank me at the Emmys.
If that hit 1986 song by Berlin were more realistic, the song would’ve been called “Take My Bad Breath Away”
YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND IS THE MVP OF HPV
MY SPIRIT ANIMAL IS THE J&H PRODUCTIONS GUY
k.d. lang is more macho than you
After ten beers, they all look like your ex-girlfriend
I hope they dump all the cum in Tijuana on your grave
"Broads? Where we’re going, we don’t need broads." - Sexist Doc Brown
THIS KIA OPTIMA AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US
Just got hired to deliver anti-drinking Scared Straight seminars to the local teens. All I have to do is let them see me with no shirt on.
I just landed the lead in the upcoming remake of the Pregnant Billy Crystal romp Rabbit Test. They said “I looked the part”
Jacking off on a dead cop’s face ;)
I predict the name of the next Vince Vaughn comedic romp will be ‘#whitepeopleproblems’
"I’ll give him a Tumblr post he can’t refuse…" - line from The Blogfather
LADIES: Imagine Mohandas Ghandi eating yo pussy
My future’s so bright IM BLIND OH MY GOD HELP ME I AM BLIND!!!!!
Jesus went to Hell to go kick some ass, he’ll be right back!!!
To my neighbor loudly playing Led Zeppelin’s “Black Dog” on his electric guitar: Jimmy Page now regrets ever writing “Black Dog”
Modern country music has done it* again! *Made me question my faith in humanity
THERE’S A SUFJAN STEVENS CONCERT IN MY PANTS AND IT’S LADIES ONLY
I’VE RUINED COUNTLESS BASEBALL CARD CONVENTIONS
Big ups to whoever tagged “pes” after the title art of ‘Her’ on this bus stop poster. You are the man.
The room was so quiet you could hear the crablice on Ol’ Willie Dunagan’s pecker breathing in fevered unison.
I’m surprised they don’t pelt bad performers with organic, sustainable tomatoes at alt-comedy shows
Fuck the #Grammys when is a REAL awards show like the American Music Awards or the Billboard Music Awards coming on???
"Witey Bulger" is what Mickey Rooney called his dick back when it used to get hard (the early 1970’s)
I WISH ZOLOFT CAME IN BEER FORM
Only 1 thing beats the smell of pussy: THE SMELL OF OVERMICROWAVED HUNGRY JACK BLUEBERRY PANCAKES #nohomo
If I had to rate your comedy on a scale of Michael Jackson albums, it definitely is Bad
IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THEN I DON’T BLAME YOU
"Did Skeet Ulrich dial 10-10-321 before phoning in his performance in Chill Factor?" - me if I were a film critic in 1999
If David Allen Coe was up with the times, he’d have a song called “That Cunt Who Blogs For Jezebel”
BITCH U AINT WORTH THE PEAS IN MY DISCARDED RAMEN CUP
Excerpt from Tom Selleck’s People magazine from April 1983: “I love my moustache because it traps that sweet Chinese girl pussy smell…”
CODE NAME: CHAD SANTOS
If Optimus Prime had bowel problems, he’d be classified as a dump truck
You have the walk of a man with an embarrassingly small penis
My mom walked in on me one time jerking off to gay porn. But it’s cool, it was lesbians.
I want a 1985 Terri Garr in the streets and a 1974 Terri Garr in the sheets.
I WANT TO TIE YOUR PUSSYLIPS INTO A NICE BOW AND THEN DECORATE MY DICK WITH IT
Jay Leno cried because he is a pussy #beaman
I LOVE R&B AND ALSO FOOD FROM SHONEY’S
Anyone have a gun I could blow my brains out with? I was gonna chase a whole bottle of Vicodin with vodka but I’m cutting back on alcohol.
If I had to pick a Billy Crystal movie that best describes my penis, definitely MY GIANT
If Cars 3 took place in the garage where Jay Leno keeps his cars, it would be more of a Holocaust drama than a kid’s movie.
The worst country song I’ve ever heard is “There’s a Tear in my Low-Carb Beer”
I washed my penis for this?!?!?!
"Shank You" - a polite inmate
Al Pacino is so old, he now yells “Sci-Attica! Sci-Attica!”
"White Purr!" - Ku Klux Kat
If your Tinder photo is of you at Burning Man, I’m definitely clicking ‘NOPE’
"Today I watched a drifter set himself on fire"
If found guilty of a crime and you wish to plead insanity - For greater effect, plead VIRTUAL insanity.
"!Mi familia y el futuro es mucho loco!" - Jorge Jetson
Lotta Farmers Tans, pupusa booths and mountains of empty Tecate cans over here at Burning Mang (taking place in a junkyard in San Pedro)
The coolest thing about me if I were gay would be my boyfriend could totally tittyfuck me
I tried to email a lady a picture of my penis but it didn’t go through. Something about my penis being “too big for the internet.” Huh.
I became an athiest when I learned that my penis is too big for heaven. Or hell.
I’m so much into ass that the part of the burger I most look forward to is the buns.
NEXT TIME YOU CALL THE COPS TELL THEM I SAID FUCK YOU
It feels great to be the Asian With the Largest Penis on Earth, even though it’s only four inches long.
Selling a jar of baby snakes in case anyone needs them for their Greek mythology-inspired porn shoot to make Medusa’s bush
Ace Ventura: When a Stranger Calls
I’m going to be drunk for Halloween because I’m really good at scaring people when I’m drunk.
The worst stage name a white entertainer can use is Sammy Davis III
If I were around when Ghandi starved himself, I’d be milking the occasion by selling shirts that read ‘WHO FASTED?’
I just now remembered one time I saw a very explicit photo of a woman spread-eagled that was developed at Walgreens
Currently at Denny’s, alone, eating a sundae in celebration of the one week anniversary of a skater kid calling me gay.
LADIES: Your boyfriend could be pro-apartheid and he won’t even tell you.
"Watson…I declare! This is child pornography!" - Sherlock Holmes SVU
A redneck’s ultimate fantasy is to have their kitchen faucet pour beer
This House of Pain just ain’t a Home of Pain
I didn’t know Santa Monica was one giant open-air fitness center
Imagine seeing Nick Cave eating at Chipotle
My biggest fear is the paramedics finding an empty bottle of painkillers and an empty bottle of Skinnygirl Vodka next to my lifeless body.
I would make the worst transsexual. My dick would hang way past my skirt. And I’m Pentecostal!
I used to steal cans of Sloppy Joe meat from Food Not Bombs AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN
I’m such a diabetic my gravestone will be in the shape of an Eskimo pie
Imagine how much cooler Frank Sinatra would have been if he were Chairman of the Skateboard
The best bringer show I’ve ever done was my high school graduation
Hustler molded their Incredible Hulk dildo after my penis on soft
Zales should seriously consider cornering the hemp jewelry market
LIU KANG WAS MY KARATE INSTRUCTOR BACK IN THE DAY
I got banned from Hot 97.1 FM for harassing them. I just wanted to hear “Kung Fu Fighting” at 2:00 every day.
The Terminator is based on a true story
I’m so badass, when I was born the doctor put a plate glass window on my mom’s vagina and I burst through it in such badass baby fashion.
I QUEEFED OUT MY DICKHOLE SO NOW I HAVE TO CHANGE MY AREA CODE
The inside of my soul looks like a Lisa Frank trapper keeper with 2 dolphins fuckin’ on a rainbow on it
Dear Carls Jr: YOUR GREAT-SMELLING BATHROOMS CAN’T MAKE UP FOR THE FACT THAT YOU UNDERPAY YOUR ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT EMPLOYEES
Heads up, Hell, Earth has a 1000 year late fee!
I just now envisioned John Lennon had he survived into 1985, wearing the ugliest fucking rainbow sweater imaginable.
My spirit animal is the guy in the late 80’s who used to say “Female Body Inspector” at the FBI Warning at the beginning of every VHS tape.
"Chunky water" is the grossest thing I’ve ever thought of
Is there a medical themed rapper named WebMC?
Dave Navarro looks like the world’s laziest transgender person
EVERYBODY KNOWS SHE’S A FEMME FATALE MAINLY BECAUSE SOMEONE TAPED A PIECE OF PAPER READING “I’M A FEMME FATALE” TO HER BACK
I think the Cleveland Browns would garner more respect and notoriety if they went by the Cleveland Nino Browns.
The Fonz setting fire to a black church is considered a Heyyyyy-te Crime
I drank some strawberry Propel out of the Holy Grail so yeah my Wednesday’s been pretty tight thus far
Clint Eastwood loves breasts so much, he should change his name to Clint Breastwood!
My dick has breathed more pussy air than your dick
BITCH LEMME LICK THAT DUCKBOX
I’d like to book a female comic. A one woman show…IN MY BED
I HOPE YOU DRIVE HOME DRUNK TONIGHT
TELL YOUR DAD TO QUIT COCKBLOCKING YOUR MOM
Justin Bieber sounds awesome on vinyl
I somehow attract women who resemble The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin
I’m afraid my impersonation of the actor Jack Warden is a little too sophisticated for this open mic crowd.
DOWNTOWN LA SMELLS LIKE EAZY E’S DEATHBED
Today I stood in defiance to my proctologist, and I held back tears as I proudly told him, “My booty. My choice.”
I bet James Dean made hot rod noises with his mouth as he fucked his boyfriend in the ass.
Imagine your dad in a tuxedo stripping to Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz”
I would fart on your grave but I have class.
"Madonna’s daughter is turning 18 this year" is my creepiest thought so far of 2014
Picture a midget sitting on the toilet. So adorable!
The Papa Johns guy is always shot from the waist up because he always talks about pizza and it gives him a gigantic boner
A bull wearing designer skinny jeans and a Coogi cardigan is a hipsteer