Hello,

I like to archive my tweets. The following is my favorite tweets of mine from December 30, 2012 through today, April 26, 2013. Enjoy?

Hey lay off Kim Kardashian’s baby. One day it will grow up to become a really great skincare infomercial at 3 am spokesmodel

Michael Winslow should videotape himself playing “Taps” with his mouth and then screen it at his funeral.

“Eligible bachelor” is a really nice way to say “loser”

A white man set this tweet free

I played some KC & Jojo earlier when I masturbated. I think my pillows are in love with me.

This chick in this Midol commercial is smokin

Somebody come grab me when Toni Morrison switches bodies with this hot white chick on p. 122 of this Playboy Girls of the Pac-10 issue

When Josh Homme left Kyuss to form Queens of the Stone Age, Kyuss was all No Homme-o

Like my haircut? FLOWBEE, NIGGA.

I don’t care for #DowntonPBS No nudity? No thanks.

They should remake that movie Wild Hogs, but still use the same actors.

Ke$ha came out about being a bisexual. That’s cool. She still sucks though.

I had something really important I wanted to say about Alzheimers, but I don’t remember what it was.

Zimride - If you want to see America AND a stranger’s fully erect penis

The Ghost of Idi Amin Sings! #SixWordFilmPlots

That’s not a circumsicion THAT’S A BATTLE SCAR FROM THE PUSSY WARS

Are Kathleen Turner’s queefs raspy too?

I accidentally washed my genitals with high volume shampoo. Now my pubes look like Barbara Streisand circa 1982.

THEY CALL ME DR. HALLOWEEN

SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA A BUFFALO CHICKEN SANDWICH IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR

That had better be brown paint droplets on the toilet seat and not what I think it is

Dick Vitale looks good for 142

“Go back to Paprika!!!” - racist spice rack

Saw Louis Farrakhan today. He said something to me about “White people will be extinct in 200 years”?

I want to live on that fucking golf course where Hootie and the Blowfish’s “I Only Want to Be With You” video was shot.

If I were A$AP Rocky, I’d make the C in Rocky a cent sign.

If I were A$AP Rocky, I’d make the Y in Rocky a yen symbol

MURDER, SHE TWEETED

They should start making maxi pads for redneck chicks with a camouflage design on them

I’ve been crying all morning. I should probably take this onion out of my ass.

I want to spread baby oil all over Channing Tatum’s naked body, but in a completely heterosexual and non-stimulating manner.

David Duke’s favorite pastry place is Cake-Cake-Cake!

That’d be funny if Shang Tsung turned into Sonja and fucked some male Mortal Kombat characters and was like “Haha you’re gay now, later!”

I always shout “Shit’s about to get real!” whenever I take a shit.

There’s a party* in my pants and you’re invited! *It’s a scat party

Saw a cute girl last night with a tote bag that read “I LIKE NERDS” so I ate some boogers in front of her. She doesn’t like nerds.

I just screamed “You killed Natalie Wood!” at a gallon of water

Don’t tell me to get in touch with my feminine side. Tell my vagina.

I know my date and I are gonna turn a lot of heads on Valentine’s Day. She’s a Fleshlight with a photo of Emma Stone taped on it.

Too bad there’s no leap year this year. IT WOULD’VE BEEN AN EXTRA DAY IN FEBRUARY OF ME NOT GIVING A FUCK.

What did the coroner do to the bodybag containing Morton Downey Jr.’s corpse? ZIP IT!

If you’re a cop and you’re reading this, FUCK YOU PIG

I can’t wait for March Madness! (That time of year when most of the homeless population goes through drug/alcohol withdrawal)

If you see me in public wearing just Oakley shades and sweatpants, I’m fat Asian Johnny Cage and I’m late for my Mortal Kombat cosplay meet!

I just saw the tiger from Life of Pi’s tiger butthole #oscars

I only watch films that have “Also Starring Tony Danza” in the credits

Note to self: Be envy of current generation

I think the worst place for students to take a field trip is The Tomb of the Unknown No Limit Soldier

I took a dump in a steel drum to hit that low note.

Fun idea: resurrect all your dead pets you’ve ever had, then have them battle it out gladiator style and see who’s left standing.

Zelda from Pet Sematary just blocked me on OK Cupid :(

“I’m getting too old for this shit” - Danny Glover after taking a shit

That movie The Call would be better if Halle Berry got a 911 call from someone who got a Pringles can stuck in their asshole.

If anyone is looking for an excuse to drink tomorrow, always remember that we could get attacked by North Korea at any given moment.

My spirit animal is that “I’M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!!!” fat kid from Donnie Darko.

When Mitt Romney and his wife have sex, they get “Inti-Mitt”!

Forget your comedy show tonight, i’m currently getting a kick out of watching this drunken working class Mexican guy trying to ride his bike

“All whitey then!” - Ace Ventura, klansman

There was an episode of 7th Heaven where the dad talked a suicidal teen out of suicide. He was suicidal because he was on 7th Heaven.

I can’t wait for the next Doritos flavor: Plain Taco Bell taco shell-flavored Doritos.

Here’s a Virgin Mobile Phone with $1.82 Left On It, Call/Text Someone Who Cares

Film critic Elvis Mitchell and the actor who played Long Beach Mike in Reservoir Dogs are the same person.

H fheuscb djxhdk aasbdksb cjcidnd, fjidck dkxbdj!!! (Sorry I typed this on a Dvorak keyboard)

FYI I wear the pants in my imaginary relationship with Emma Stone

Want to hear an edgy joke? A white horse fell in the mud ON 9/11

My friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is Pedro Cruz, the guy who comes over to all our apartments and eats our spiders.

RT if you miss having a white president

I live in a cruel, unfair world where Roger Ebert dies a tragic death while Shawn Edwards of FOX-TV continues to roam the earth.

http://ChristianMingle.com  is my favorite website to meet girls who have no interest in sex whatsoever

Fugazi’s moustache rides are always going to be $6

My favorite channel is Bravo. Because when I watch 5 seconds of it and then change the channel, it’s like my TV is telling me “Bravo!”

That’d be funny if Daft Punk took their masks off and revealed that they were Vanilla Ice and Fred Durst this whole time

“I am not an animal! I am a funky human being!” - The Funky Elephant Man

In honor of the upcoming Grown Ups 2, I just farted.

CAT BURGLARS: When you break into my apartment enjoy my assortment of empty medicinal pot containers and porno mags dating back to 2002!

Joe’s Crab Shack is just Long John Silvers with beer

Margaret Thatcher’s favorite song was War’s “Lowrider” so call your local classic rock station and pay tribute to this great woman.

“Well, at least I can finally get caught up with all that masturbating I’ve been missing out on” - guy who’s wife just died

Congratulations to Al Pacino on 22 years of being senile!

I am going to be on the cover of ‘Flatulent Male Monthly’ magazine!

Live-Tweet THIS *grabs dick

When I die, somebody bury me with a saxophone. Its a great funeral conversation starter “But Don never played the saxophone…?!”

Robert Frost’s road less traveled was paved with irregularity!

I do all my best masturbating on the weekend.

LIFE LESSON: The best PEZ dispenser to jam up your butt is Spiderman

The number one philosophy that is constantly preached by management of Banana Republic to its employees is “The customer is always white”

That Macklemore guy’s head looks like a 1992 Playmate’s bush

I just wasted a whole day practicing my ‘Comics Unleashed!’ interview in front of a mirror

I stopped collecting vinyl when I realized that I was a loser

‘Glitter’? More like ‘Bad Mariah Carey Movie’!

“Dude, I totally owned you” - plantation owner to his slave the day slavery ended

“I’m in Heat” - Al Pacino in 1995

Punk magazine anthology book

National Lampoon High School Yearbook

Nintendo poster (recreation of vintage late 80s poster that came with the Action Set)

Jesus Lizard tshirt

Lose weight

Finish 3 screenplays by August

Finish novel (?) by October

Failure is okay. You learn from failure. The trick is to not let it consume you with fear.

Stay positive. Don’t be afraid of what’s ahead. If you are, then you’ll never get there.

Anger towards others is a waste of time. Stay positive. Trust yourself.

Hate is a terrible thing. Meet the ones you feel dishonored by with apathy and not hostility.

When all else fails, start over.

Standup 12/13/2012

This year alone, I wrote over 5,000 tweets. Only about 120 of them are funny. You can’t be “on” all the time. I’m probably not going to tweet as much for the remainder of 2012 because I’m sober now and that means I’ve become boring. *Note: My Twitter feed cuts off at June 8, 2012. It could be a good thing, because my output wasn’t so hot around that time. But here goes:

Here’s hoping I one day marry the heiress to the TJ Maxx empire

If Jimmy Buffett loves the sun so much, he should move there

Hitler was a great man JK Hitler was a lunatic!

The voices for Madagascar 3 are also the voices in my head!

Hell is a real hellhole

What the makers of Shamwow don’t tell you is how great their product is at cleaning up crime scenes

“Why so blue, guys?” - me to the Blue Man Group (they didn’t get it)

I just put a $50,000 down payment on a solid gold statue of the actor Stephen Rea. Huge fan.

Rodney King is dead. Irony: one of the officers who beat him had the last name “Koon”

I want to put a Kangol hat and a gold chain on Terri Schiavo and call her “LL Drool J”

I just threw up a gang sign at the Blind Boys of Alabama

Hot Tip: Never call 911 during a murder mystery dinner. Turns out that shit is staged!

“It’s slobberin’ time!” - The Thing if he were a St. Bernard

Remind me next time I visit a gloryhole bathroom stall so I can tie a nice little note to the stranger’s penis that reads ‘I’m not gay!’

I bet Garfield wont hate Mondays once he discovers heroin

Gatorade is now the official sponsor of Haterade

Where Did Uncle Larry Touch You? Doll #DepressingToys

Weird Owl Yankovic

Does a tree scream when you cut it down? Of course, hence the band SCREAMING TREES

Tuesdays With Morrie spoiler alert!!! It sucks

If a man falls down in the woods and no one is around, do the trees point and laugh at him?

I think “Don’t come crawling back!” is the funniest thing to say to a newborn baby after leaving it in a dumpster

Meet all your lube and buttplug needs at http://adamandsteve.com 

Ted is “the funniest movie of all time” according to iveonlyseenonemovieever.com

Frosted Flakes are rat jizz rags

I’d hate to be Michael Bay’s girlfriend, because when they fight it turns into a huge production.

If Sir Mix-A-Lot likes big butts he should meet my Aunt Cindy

If These Walls Could Fart

I needed a travel alarm clock and this customer service rep wearing a genie outfit started rapping to me. Do not go to Radio Shaq.

My favorite part of the Bible is where it rained chocolate and cities began erecting statues of Tay Zonday.

Just now when I flushed the toilet I said “Arrivederci!” in a Bugs Bunny voice to my shit

An AIDS quilt would make a wonderful jizz rag for Paul Bunyan

I can’t wait to see the results of Ernest Borgnine’s toxicology report!

Every time I cry when I masturbate, I call it “Sobbin’ on my Knob”

If Wilma and Betty were real cavewomen, they’d be ugly as fuck

The most compelling thing that has ever happened at an all-white private high school was someone spraypainting “WIGGER” on a locker

Nothing more awesome than an old crumpled-up photo of a shirtless Tom Selleck torn out of a magazine in your mom’s closet next to her dildo

Ugh I bet the veggie burger slaughterhouse is a gross, gory place

“Hey Vern, I got blackout drunk and shot myself” - Ernest P. Hemmingway

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman? Oooh, I wouldn’t mind scooping up her litter ;)

The Expendables 2 will include scenes of them blowing each other that they forgot to put in Part 1!!!

I like how on Spotify you can forward people songs. I just forwarded GG Allin’s “Bite It You Scum” to my mom.

It sucks that R2D2 doesn’t do that many films outside of the Star Wars franchise. He’s my favorite actor.

For the record, this “hot girl” I’m referring to is white.

This isn’t a real mustache; I got a dirty sanchez a while back and am too lazy to clean it off.

The first truly great thing in years to happen to me just happened - I just won a year’s supply of ethnic hair care products.

My favorite Neil Diamond song is “Fuckin’ on a Futon”

I bet Paul Bunyan has had sex with a well

I bet Jack Palance used to piss in a call girl’s face and go “It’s the legend of Curly’s gold hahaha!!!”

“I ain’t tha sharpest tool in the shed” sang the lead singer of Smashmouth. Ironically, he now sells tools at Lowe’s.

“Let’s go to the zoo and watch the monks do it” - The State if it aired in Tibet

Hey, who left this statue of Joe Paterno outside of my apartment building?

There’s a black chick on the bus with a neck tattoo that says QUEEN and she’s holding a bag of medical marijuana. I’m in love.

Watching two big black guys dressed as grannys jousting the shit out of each other. Having fun at Madea-val Times!

Canada: America’s Bad Haircut

My favorite performance by Chewbacca is when he played Sharon Stone’s vagina in Basic Instinct.

Rick Ro$$’s new album is called ‘God Forgives, I Don’t’. What an a$$hole.

People laugh when I tell them that I’m going to name my first-born daughter LaQuiesha. I don’t see what is so funny.

This Martin Scorsese/iPhone commercial is weird. He asks the cab driver if he’s ever seen what a 44 magnum can do to a woman’s pussy.

“Goodbye world (and student loans)” - my suicide letter

I wonder if John Ratzenberger refers to his penis as a “Cliff Bar”?

“You know a stem-like onion can’t wear no backwards hat! Shit’s too heavy for it!” - the reason why Rap Scallions never really took off

I thought this Cat Williams guy would tell a lot of cat jokes. Turns out he cusses a lot and talks about black people. Also his name is Katt

I just read an updated version of Huckleberry Finn. Instead of “nigger”, they use “nigga”. That’s nice. Modern, too.

Madagascar is walking out now. Where the fuck are those cute talking animals?!?! #olympics

eBay sucks. This Phillips-head screwdriver I purchased that Frank Sinatra stabbed into the genitals of a bookie has to be a replica.

“Dude, remember slavery?!?!” - just now on I Love the 1780’s

“Wait’ll they get a load of me” - Jack Nicholson’s sperm

John McEnroe is so trying not to get an on-camera boner interviewing the US Women’s Volleyball team. I can tell. I’m a guy. #olympics

I’m not hot because I’m fly. I’m hot because I’m trapped in an ‘86 Subaru in a Gainesville Winn Dixie parking lot HELP!!!

This 5 Hour Energy Drink commercial has a Mexican hotel worker in it. It also has a Chinese guy stir-frying rice and a black guy getting arrested.

Buffalo Wild Wings uses the term B-Dubs to describe their wings. And I thought Chick-Fil-A hated gay people.

I feel bad for kids who grew up in the 90s whose missing fathers were named Waldo.

If you thought the sketches in Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip were bad, wait’ll you see the ones in Studio 69 on the Cumshot Strip.

If I were a smartass abortion doctor, upon performing the abortion, I’d put on some shades and yell “Hasta La Vista, BABY!!!”

I’m hung like a baby: 18 inches long, 8 lbs, 4 oz.

Im quitting comedy to save the marriage I didn’t even know I had.

I just love that new Andrew W.E.A.K. song, “Party Soft”

Dinner for one tonight at Pizza Hut Express was sad

You can never go wrong, any commercial with a dog in it!

If Beethoven were a rapper, him yelling “I can’t hear you!” at an audience would carry so much gravitas.

“Jim Croce/Cat Stevens” is the new “Chinese/Japanese”

I didn’t like that movie feardotcom. Now feardotorg on the other hand…LOVED IT.

“Sorry to burst your bubble..” - What I always say before I burst a bubble

Just saw a really hot girl walking her dog downtown. Man, I wouldn’t mind picking up HER poop ;)

My favorite member of Boyz II Men is the one black guy in the sweater vest.

What is a sleeping bag to you is a windbreaker for my dick

Pussy Riot: Like Crass, but fuckable!

Your mom is my spirit animal.

People say I have a bubbly personality. Largely because I drink bubble solution I CAN’T AFFORD REAL POISON LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.

I hate Al Green. Not the singer. Im talking about Al Green the hitchhiker wanted for murder

My favorite public toilet in Paris is Jim Morrison’s grave

So, are the four massive trees on the ground level of Mount Rushmore supposed to be their dicks?

I still can’t believe Ricky Martin is gay

Megan Slaw is the worst porn actress name ever

How’s your food blog/90’s nostalgia podcast/Goonies tattoo/home noise recording/Zombie novel/33 1/3 book coming along? You don’t say!

Even poon hunters wear hunters’ orange

The sad thing about me is that if I were gay, my partner could totally tittyfuck me.

I bet Satan has jokingly said “You got the right one, baby!” to Ray Charles once in Hell.

Next time you go to Disneyland, remember that the women’s restroom is haunted by the ghost of actor Jonathan Brandis.

If you are or have been a member of Lynyrd Skynyrd, YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK

I guess it’s safe to say that Woodsy Owl “doesn’t give a hoot” about most of downtown Los Angeles.

Dirty hipster dudes only fool around with free-range, organic chickenheads.

I can’t wait to see that new Jamaican action movie, Judge Dreads 3D!!!

All the bad stuff in society? I blame The Man (the failed Samuel L. Jackson/Eugene Levy vehicle)

Once I watched the Chili Peppers’ Under the Bridge video and during the part where Kiedis is running I held my arms open in front of the TV.

I got paid a visit from the Bluetooth Fairy last night (I fell asleep with my bluetooth in my ear).

As far as the black ladies go, I still have the hots for Stacey Dash.

“Zat me, Buster Poindexter” - Santa Claus

I wonder who the first person was to duct tape a masturbation sleeve to the back of a toy AT-AT walker and fuck it doggystyle

Fred Durst, Tucker Max and Joe Francis walk into a bar. And I walk out.

I pissed off this hipster chick once. After I got through fucking her, I wiped my dick with that morning’s New York Times crossword puzzle.

Kevin Spacey stars as a hockey player who may or may not be from another planet in K-PUX.

I was recently voted “Most Diasappointing Dad”. But I don’t even have any kids!

Why would NBC greenlight a sitcom called Guys With AIDS? Wait, never mind. That’s a K, not an A.

I don’t know about the Mayan calendar, but the Wayan calendar predicts black-oriented movie spoofs and fat-suits in 2012 and beyond.

To whoever took a dump in my building’s community shower: congratulations on winning ‘Neighbor of the Year’

I just want to purchase a Fleshlight for once that actually “gets me”

Which statue will the city of Portland erect first? Clyde Drexler or Elliott Smith?

Tony Danza should have starred in Lincoln

Nobody knows my secret! (I run like a girl)

Lots of people know about The Shocker. I like to give The Shakur (2 in the pink, 1 in the stink, 5 bullets in the chest)

If you’re Mavis Leno, every date is a “J-Date” :)

I can’t wait to see The Jaws Singer (deepsea thriller about a killer Great White in blackface)

I stood next to Little Richard at a urinal. Little my ass.

Most of the girls I’ve dated who were cutters mostly just cut the cheese.

When I slip into something a “little more comfortable”, it’s usually a coma.

I don’t think OJ did it

My favorite Mexican Beat writer is William Es Burros.

More Ice Cube fans switch to BanKKK of AmeriKKKa

Hurry up and climax, loud gay neighbor who lives in my building!

You know you’re in for a bad episode of VH1’s Behind the Music when one of the twenty minute segments is about the bassist losing his hair.

“Here comes the boom!” - Kevin James seconds before playfully farting in his wife’s face

Was in the mood to masturbate but then I found out my bank sent my replacement debit card to the wrong apt. number and now I’m not in the mood.

Fun fact: Dire Straits frontman Mark Knopfler’s penis also has a sweatband.

Happy belated Veterans Day to Master P, Silkk the Shocker, and all of our beloved No Limit soldiers who fought and died for our country.

Im no martyr. I am, however, a fartyr.

“Goodbye Crue World” - Vince Neil’s suicide note

The only cab driven by a white person is the Cash Cab

My nickname for the last five years has been “Suspect”.

I have an extra ticket for tonight’s Inner Circle concert. So if you want to experience 2 hours of “Cops Theme Song” over and over, DM me!

The funniest album title of all time is “Ike Turner’s Greatest Hits”

“Help me help you go fuck yourself” - a professional asshole

Fun fact: Bruce Hornsby has a bumper sticker on his car that reads “Honk If You’re Hornsby!”

“This dog finds me fetching” - a frisbee

“Me love me long time” - a Vietnamese narcissist

I wanna remake the 80’s kids movie D.A.R.Y.L. but this time add a subplot about child sex trafficking

I think S.E. Hinton’s ‘The Outsiders’ would’ve been a more interesting book had the character Ponyboy been an actual centaur.

The way a little girl combs her Barbie doll’s hair is the same way I comb my armpit hair

I can’t wait for Judd Apatow’s next film. Snoop Dogg stars as a middle-aged man with a love of malt liquor in ‘This is a 40’

Lady Gaga is singing “Bite It You Scum” a Capella for the GG Allin tribute. I am moved to tears. #121212Concert

Gary Young just took the stage. I hope he has songs other than “Plantman” #121212Concert

I bet Sam Elliott masturbates with Stetson cologne

Finally earned my black belt in martial farts

Twas a cold, snowy evening on the night before Christmas. The house smelled of roasted chestnuts, cinnamon cider and inviting pine. The living room was decorated in greens and reds, from the stockings hung above the fireplace to the twinkling of the Christmas tree lights nearby. And young Billy, dressed in pajamas, sat near the tree, clutching onto his teddy bear, dozing off as the night wore on.

Something was particularly odd about this Christmas Eve. Where was the roar, glow and warmth of the fire? Instead, it was a dark, empty space of dusty coal. For Santa could be visiting! Billy was a good boy this year, did as he was told and made his mother and father very happy. 

Billy’s father emerged from upstairs, still wearing his shirt and pants, as he was a very busy accountant. He pulled up his suspender straps over his shoulders and let out a loud, big yawn as he reached the floor of the living room.  He noticed Billy, dozing off, yet hopeful for a late night visitor.

“Billy, are you coming to bed?”

“No, dad, for Santa is to visit this year!”

Billy’s father shook his head with mild laughter.  He glanced over at the plate of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies, and a tall glass of milk next to it, all placed neatly on the brick of the fireplace nearby. Suddenly, a great noise came from above. “Did a tree fall on the house?” pondered Billy’s father. This great noise was followed by footsteps, one after another.  Billy’s face suddenly perked up. Could this be the chance encounter he’d been hoping for all year?

Without reaction, a massive crash shocked both Billy and his father, as snow and coal dust met and danced in the air near the fireplace. Past this salt-and-pepper cloud appeared a large, red figure. Billy and his father could hear this mysterious figure picking himself up as this person began dusting off the remaining coal and snow from his red suit. As he crouched down to emerge from the fireplace, Billy could see the white of a beard, and the twinkle of what appeared to spectacles. Billy leaped up in the air, losing his teddy bear in the excitement. “It’s Santa Claus! It’s Santa Claus!”

This mysterious man in the red suit now emerged from the the fireplace and stood tall and proud. “Ho! Ho! Ho!” he exclaimed. Billy’s father was stunned, his eyes huge and jaw nearly touching the floor. It IS Santa Claus! Billy, after a fit of jumping up and down and screaming in joy, began to approach the jolly fat man, but this time with a nervousness as if he’d been in trouble. 

“Santa?” asked the timid little boy…

Santa bent forward to get a better look at the boy. Santa reached behind his back and then suddenly, without warning, produced a loaded .45 caliber handgun. He grabbed Billy towards him, pointing the gun at his little head, and shot a look of bloody, remorseless rage at the boy’s father.

“Give me your milk and cookies or the boy gets it!” Santa screamed. Billy’s father, hands in the air, was trembling even worse than the boy, who appeared to be more stunned than scared. The father, tears in his eyes, lowly muttered, “They’re…they’re ri-right behind you.”

Santa looked behind, noticing the milk and cookies. Santa then pushed Billy off of him, sending the boy hurtling ten feet, towards his father, who then took the boy in his arms and began weeping uncontrollably, as the jolly fat man devoured the cookies in a blind rage, and then drank the milk as if he’s been stranded on a desert island for many years.

The jolly fat man stood up and wiped his beard. Still holding the .45, he aimed it at the father. “Give me all of your milk and cookies!” The father stood up, terrified, and then reached behind, into the back pocket of his trousers. “Don’t try anything funny, mister, or I’ll spray your brains all over your tie and dress-shirt!”

The father then took out his wallet, with trembling hands. He opened the wallet and produced sixty dollars. He walked up to Santa, who was still pointing the gun at him. The father extended the money to Santa.

“I don’t want your money, I want your milk and cookies!” exclaimed the jolly fat man. The father, with a solemn look of defeat on his face, still extended the money to the fat man. “Take it. Take this money and buy yourself some milk and cookies. It’s Christmas, and it’s the time of year where we give thanks to one another, no matter who they are.”

Santa’s eyes grew sad as tears began to flow slowly down his rosy red cheeks. He accepted the money.  ”I consider this a gift. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.” He gave glances of goodwill to the father, and then to the boy, and then made his way back up the chimney.

Little Billy, sad that he never got to tell Santa what he wanted, ran up to the jolly fat man as he worked his way up the chimney, and began tugging his red pants. “Santa! I’ve been a good boy this year! Can I have a shiny blue bicycle?”

Santa then reemerged from the chimney, crouching again and letting out an exhaustive sigh. He stood up, looked at the boy, and gave him a smile. 

“Little boy, you have been good this year. If your father can give a complete stranger sixty dollars, then he should have no problem buying his son a shiny blue bicycle.” 

Santa patted the boy on his head and made his way up the chimney. Billy then ran to his father, hugging him with a smile beaming from ear to ear. “Will you buy me the bicycle, daddy?” “Well, I guess I have to now”, said the father.

Billy and his father then walked to a nearby window.  They looked out at the night sky, with the layer of white snow on the bottom. Just ahead, they could see a giant sleigh carried by reindeer as it darted off into the night, going to another house, and then another…