I like to archive my tweets. The following is my favorite tweets of mine from December 30, 2012 through today, April 26, 2013. Enjoy?
Hey lay off Kim Kardashian’s baby. One day it will grow up to become a really great skincare infomercial at 3 am spokesmodel
Michael Winslow should videotape himself playing “Taps” with his mouth and then screen it at his funeral.
“Eligible bachelor” is a really nice way to say “loser”
A white man set this tweet free
I played some KC & Jojo earlier when I masturbated. I think my pillows are in love with me.
This chick in this Midol commercial is smokin
Somebody come grab me when Toni Morrison switches bodies with this hot white chick on p. 122 of this Playboy Girls of the Pac-10 issue
When Josh Homme left Kyuss to form Queens of the Stone Age, Kyuss was all No Homme-o
Like my haircut? FLOWBEE, NIGGA.
I don’t care for #DowntonPBS No nudity? No thanks.
They should remake that movie Wild Hogs, but still use the same actors.
Ke$ha came out about being a bisexual. That’s cool. She still sucks though.
I had something really important I wanted to say about Alzheimers, but I don’t remember what it was.
Zimride - If you want to see America AND a stranger’s fully erect penis
The Ghost of Idi Amin Sings! #SixWordFilmPlots
That’s not a circumsicion THAT’S A BATTLE SCAR FROM THE PUSSY WARS
Are Kathleen Turner’s queefs raspy too?
I accidentally washed my genitals with high volume shampoo. Now my pubes look like Barbara Streisand circa 1982.
THEY CALL ME DR. HALLOWEEN
SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA A BUFFALO CHICKEN SANDWICH IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR
That had better be brown paint droplets on the toilet seat and not what I think it is
Dick Vitale looks good for 142
“Go back to Paprika!!!” - racist spice rack
Saw Louis Farrakhan today. He said something to me about “White people will be extinct in 200 years”?
I want to live on that fucking golf course where Hootie and the Blowfish’s “I Only Want to Be With You” video was shot.
If I were A$AP Rocky, I’d make the C in Rocky a cent sign.
If I were A$AP Rocky, I’d make the Y in Rocky a yen symbol
MURDER, SHE TWEETED
They should start making maxi pads for redneck chicks with a camouflage design on them
I’ve been crying all morning. I should probably take this onion out of my ass.
I want to spread baby oil all over Channing Tatum’s naked body, but in a completely heterosexual and non-stimulating manner.
David Duke’s favorite pastry place is Cake-Cake-Cake!
That’d be funny if Shang Tsung turned into Sonja and fucked some male Mortal Kombat characters and was like “Haha you’re gay now, later!”
I always shout “Shit’s about to get real!” whenever I take a shit.
There’s a party* in my pants and you’re invited! *It’s a scat party
Saw a cute girl last night with a tote bag that read “I LIKE NERDS” so I ate some boogers in front of her. She doesn’t like nerds.
I just screamed “You killed Natalie Wood!” at a gallon of water
Don’t tell me to get in touch with my feminine side. Tell my vagina.
I know my date and I are gonna turn a lot of heads on Valentine’s Day. She’s a Fleshlight with a photo of Emma Stone taped on it.
Too bad there’s no leap year this year. IT WOULD’VE BEEN AN EXTRA DAY IN FEBRUARY OF ME NOT GIVING A FUCK.
What did the coroner do to the bodybag containing Morton Downey Jr.’s corpse? ZIP IT!
If you’re a cop and you’re reading this, FUCK YOU PIG
I can’t wait for March Madness! (That time of year when most of the homeless population goes through drug/alcohol withdrawal)
If you see me in public wearing just Oakley shades and sweatpants, I’m fat Asian Johnny Cage and I’m late for my Mortal Kombat cosplay meet!
I just saw the tiger from Life of Pi’s tiger butthole #oscars
I only watch films that have “Also Starring Tony Danza” in the credits
Note to self: Be envy of current generation
I think the worst place for students to take a field trip is The Tomb of the Unknown No Limit Soldier
I took a dump in a steel drum to hit that low note.
Fun idea: resurrect all your dead pets you’ve ever had, then have them battle it out gladiator style and see who’s left standing.
Zelda from Pet Sematary just blocked me on OK Cupid :(
“I’m getting too old for this shit” - Danny Glover after taking a shit
That movie The Call would be better if Halle Berry got a 911 call from someone who got a Pringles can stuck in their asshole.
If anyone is looking for an excuse to drink tomorrow, always remember that we could get attacked by North Korea at any given moment.
My spirit animal is that “I’M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!!!” fat kid from Donnie Darko.
When Mitt Romney and his wife have sex, they get “Inti-Mitt”!
Forget your comedy show tonight, i’m currently getting a kick out of watching this drunken working class Mexican guy trying to ride his bike
“All whitey then!” - Ace Ventura, klansman
There was an episode of 7th Heaven where the dad talked a suicidal teen out of suicide. He was suicidal because he was on 7th Heaven.
I can’t wait for the next Doritos flavor: Plain Taco Bell taco shell-flavored Doritos.
Here’s a Virgin Mobile Phone with $1.82 Left On It, Call/Text Someone Who Cares
Film critic Elvis Mitchell and the actor who played Long Beach Mike in Reservoir Dogs are the same person.
H fheuscb djxhdk aasbdksb cjcidnd, fjidck dkxbdj!!! (Sorry I typed this on a Dvorak keyboard)
FYI I wear the pants in my imaginary relationship with Emma Stone
Want to hear an edgy joke? A white horse fell in the mud ON 9/11
My friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is Pedro Cruz, the guy who comes over to all our apartments and eats our spiders.
RT if you miss having a white president
I live in a cruel, unfair world where Roger Ebert dies a tragic death while Shawn Edwards of FOX-TV continues to roam the earth.
http://ChristianMingle.com is my favorite website to meet girls who have no interest in sex whatsoever
Fugazi’s moustache rides are always going to be $6
My favorite channel is Bravo. Because when I watch 5 seconds of it and then change the channel, it’s like my TV is telling me “Bravo!”
That’d be funny if Daft Punk took their masks off and revealed that they were Vanilla Ice and Fred Durst this whole time
“I am not an animal! I am a funky human being!” - The Funky Elephant Man
In honor of the upcoming Grown Ups 2, I just farted.
CAT BURGLARS: When you break into my apartment enjoy my assortment of empty medicinal pot containers and porno mags dating back to 2002!
Joe’s Crab Shack is just Long John Silvers with beer
Margaret Thatcher’s favorite song was War’s “Lowrider” so call your local classic rock station and pay tribute to this great woman.
“Well, at least I can finally get caught up with all that masturbating I’ve been missing out on” - guy who’s wife just died
Congratulations to Al Pacino on 22 years of being senile!
I am going to be on the cover of ‘Flatulent Male Monthly’ magazine!
Live-Tweet THIS *grabs dick
When I die, somebody bury me with a saxophone. Its a great funeral conversation starter “But Don never played the saxophone…?!”
Robert Frost’s road less traveled was paved with irregularity!
I do all my best masturbating on the weekend.
LIFE LESSON: The best PEZ dispenser to jam up your butt is Spiderman
The number one philosophy that is constantly preached by management of Banana Republic to its employees is “The customer is always white”
That Macklemore guy’s head looks like a 1992 Playmate’s bush
I just wasted a whole day practicing my ‘Comics Unleashed!’ interview in front of a mirror
I stopped collecting vinyl when I realized that I was a loser
‘Glitter’? More like ‘Bad Mariah Carey Movie’!
“Dude, I totally owned you” - plantation owner to his slave the day slavery ended
“I’m in Heat” - Al Pacino in 1995